{"id":1926,"date":"2014-11-06T03:56:55","date_gmt":"2014-11-06T03:56:55","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/www.vivehealth.com.au\/blog\/?p=1926"},"modified":"2014-11-06T03:56:55","modified_gmt":"2014-11-06T03:56:55","slug":"using-communication-skills-improve-relationship-turning-towards-one-another","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"http:\/\/www.vivehealth.com.au\/blog\/2014\/11\/06\/using-communication-skills-improve-relationship-turning-towards-one-another\/","title":{"rendered":"Using Communication Skills to Improve Your Relationship \u2013 Turning Towards One Another"},"content":{"rendered":"

By Delappe Russell<\/em><\/p>\n

Relationships don\u2019t exist in a vacuum. They exist between two emotional human beings who bring their own past experiences, history, and expectations into it. Two different people also have different levels of skill when it comes to communication. But better communication, because it is a skill, can also be learned.<\/p>\n

Negative Interaction Patterns develop over time between one another and erode intimacy between one another. These patterns develop over time and become common place within our relationship and are based on reacting to an interaction determined by what attachment needs are NOT being met. MOST ARGUMENTS ARE USUALLY ABOUT NOT BEING ABLE TO CONNECT TO ONE ANOTHER. Most fights are really protests over emotional disconnection<\/strong>. Underneath the distress, partners are desperate to know: Are you there for me? Most arguments, if not resolved, leave the other vulnerable, emotionally unsupported and alone thus creating a divide between each other. Sometimes we unconsciously try to avoid our partner by pulling away, afraid to create intimate connections in FEAR of being let down. This is when we start sabotaging our relationships, become emotionally closed, fearing our partner will leave us anyway, because that is what has happened in the past.<\/p>\n

Finding and developing a more secure and responsive kind of connection is what can be defined as LOVE and it is what we are forever searching for. It’s intuitive and yet not necessarily obvious: It’s the continual search for a basic, secure <\/strong>connection with someone else. Through this bond, partners in love become emotionally dependent on each other for nurturing, soothing, and protection.<\/strong><\/p>\n

We have a wired-in need for emotional contact and responsiveness from significant others. It’s a survival response, the driving force of the bond of security a baby seeks with its mother. This observation is at the heart of attachment theory<\/strong>. A great deal of evidence indicates that the need for secure attachment never disappears; it evolves into the adult need for a secure emotional bond with a partner.<\/p>\n

Although our culture has framed dependency as a bad thing, a weakness, it is not. Being attached to someone in a healthy way provides our greatest sense of security and safety<\/strong>. It means depending on a partner to respond when you call, to know that you matter to him or her, that you are cherished, and that he\/she will respond to your emotional needs.<\/strong><\/p>\n

The most basic tenet of attachment theory is that isolation\u2014not just physical isolation but emotional isolation\u2014is traumatising for human beings. The brain actually codes it as danger.<\/p>\n

Understanding each other\u2019s attachment needs is central to allowing effective communication between one another so that the other is heard, respected and responded to lovingly, so that the other is not left feeling isolated. This is called being emotionally responsive<\/strong>; being emotionally responsive can be learned<\/strong> through identifying each other\u2019s attachment needs and then honouring them so that you turn towards<\/strong> each other, rather than away. This type of communication and bonding develops intimacy, trust and security.<\/p>\n

Once this is established, couples are able to express themselves openly within their sexual relationship. This can be a difficult process to learn as an adult, as some of us may never have experienced a secure responsive style of attachment as a child. However, through therapy, responsive ways of communicating with one another can be developed and role modelled and requires a trial and error approach of practicing new habits and skills.<\/p>\n

How to develop a responsive <\/em>style of communication with your partner<\/strong><\/p>\n